Ahh, the hunt for love. I feel that when you’re in your twenties you fit into one of three categories; you’re looking for love, you’ve found love, or you don’t want love.
As I have just come out of a relationship and realised I have a lot of work to do on myself I am currently fitting into the last category. I definitely don’t want romantic love in my life right now, however, I know that when I am ready my hunt will continue. The fact that in this moment I am closed off to love doesn’t mean I have closed myself off from making connections. Besides we all need a bit of fun in our lives and a good reminder that ‘we’ve still got it’.
A fair few of my male friends also fit into the ‘don’t want it’ category, but I tend to call them fuck boys. They only seek physical connections and with as many women as possible. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, so long as they’re honest with the women about their intentions. I spoke to one of my male friends about it recently, he said that he loves doing what he’s doing however it does make him feel empty. I asked him why doesn’t he open himself up to the idea of love, and he said that he wasn’t ready to get hurt again. After doing some more digging with my other male friends it seemed like a common underlying issue, the fear of getting hurt and losing the love once it’s been built. Of course there are other reasons, like putting energies into work, studies and self growth. I find that being single is very important for wanting to learn about the other aspects of life.
Being on the hunt for love is a tricky one, sometimes you just can’t find it and give up, you can find it in the wrong people, or you can find it in more than one person at the same time. The hunt in general can cause a lot of emotional upset and I wouldn’t advise it to anyone who isn’t mentally strong enough to deal with it.
One of my girl friends has never experienced love or any kind of romantic relationship. It’s reasonably common as she’s only 20, but recently she felt that it was something she wanted to experience. So as any 20-year-old single lady would, she downloaded Tinder and got swiping. She quickly got talking to a guy and decided to meet up with him in a bar. She said the date went reasonably well and there wasn’t any awkward silences but there was no spark and he just wasn’t for her. So she went back to the drawing board and started speaking to another guy, then another, and another. None of them seemed to be for her and she almost gave up until she matched with one more guy. They spoke constantly for around a week and they planned to meet up, their conversation flowed, and they even had a few telephone conversations. My friend was so excited that she may have finally found someone who was for her, but then he went completely silent. He ghosted her texts, calls and snapchats, with no explanation. My friend never explicitly told me how that made her feel, but as she’s since given up on her hunt I can imagine it didn’t really do much for her confidence.
For her, an external situation that was out of her control had ended her search. I know that she still hopes she will find someone soon, so in some way her search continues but no longer actively. For someone new to the love game it is also pretty daunting, she doesn’t have the thick skin that most of us have gained with experience so she doesn’t know when she’s being played. I think this puts her off, as she’s constantly worried that she won’t be fancyable and just be fuckable.
When I was younger I was guilty of finding love in the wrong person. That’s right, shocker, I fell for a fuck boy. Now I know how to spot them, and wouldn’t waste my time there. Falling for a fuck boy, however, gives you the wake up call that you are worth more. It arms you with knowledge, so you can cut out any bad eggs when looking for future relationships. I have also fallen for a compulsive liar before, and now know how to spot and rule out liars from my life. All of my experiences will help me when I come back around and continue my hunt for love. Weeding out the liars, cheats, and waste of spaces will be so much easier, and hopefully I’ll be left with my version of perfection.
For those who have found love at this age, I take my hat off to you and wish you good luck. If there is one thing I have learnt from my most recent relationship it is; that it’s very hard to learn about yourself and grow into the person that you want to be when your energy is constantly split. When you’re in a relationship, your focus is never fully on yourself and sometimes you and your partner can get stuck at a standstill while their single friends continue to grow and blossom. I find that very few people have grown into their full potential in their twenties. I’m not in any way saying its impossible to grow while being in a relationship, but from personal experience it is very difficult.
Love lives are always difficult, but if there is one thing I have learnt it’s any experience can be turned into a positive one. Difficulties lie in every aspect, being single is hard, hunting for love is hard, heartbreak is hard and maintaining a long-term relationship is hard. But so long as the happiness outweighs the sadness keep doing what you’re doing. Happy hunting, Happy learing, Happy loving.